After I got healed from my depression in 17th November 2016. Life was not an easy sailing, as you could imagine, a heart that went through 5 years of unstable belief, complicated thinking patterns and past hurts from the betrayal of my so called-sisters and brothers in Christ from the original church I served in Australia.
I had intense pain from my heart (that I felt like I wanted to vomit) just by thinking about how I served God’s people with all my heart, and the church leaders (back in Australia), treated me unfairly and would consider me “To prideful to be raised up to be a Leader of God”.
Even though, I know God is good, all the time. But are His children of church good as well? I had always kept a distance from my brothers and sisters in Christ (in the church of Sandakan) because I did not want history to replayed itself.
This group of Sandakan brothers and sisters in Christ are really good and down-to-earth believers of God (They never request me to serve, until I am burnt out). However, I just wanted to stay away from them as far as possible. When I come to church, I would always sit behind the row, or come late for Prayer Meeting (just to avoid people coming to welcome me with a handshake or a hug); I did not want to be broken by God’s people again – was the thoughts I held on tightly.
Though I came out of Depression, my heart is still broken. I never asked God for anything, as I am already Thankful that I regain my healthy mind back after many years of dark-clouded mind and internal heart battles (because I could not understand why the betrayal would come from the godly siblings from my Brisbane church).
GOD GAVE ME A DREAM THAT HEALED MY BROKEN HEART
Then one morning, I had a dream. In the dream, I was back in Brisbane, Australia; serving in one of the pastoral care ministries with my then Lifegroup Assistant Leader; Jessica (the name used here is not real). She assigned each senior member of the church to take care of 2 of our own non-believer friends and wanted us to send them back, which she did not put into consideration whether we might not be convenient to do so.
When we reached the underground carpark, my car was not on the spot anymore. So I informed Jessica, in hope that I do not have to send both my friends home, which was really inconvenient, as in the dream, one was staying at the West of Brisbane, the other at the North of Brisbane, while I stayed in the central of Brisbane city.
As usual, out of our inconvenience, Jessica told me: “Get some money and rent one of the sportcars here from the carpark.” I reluctantly took out 2 pieces of RM50, and to my surprise the 2 pieces of RM50 were torn in between.
The owner of the sportcars wasn’t willing to accept my money. So I turned to my friends and told them, we all have to go back home by bus. They were not in a hurry and peacefully agreed. We sat in the bus stop altogether, and simply hang out. While we were chatting, I had this deep conviction that actually my non-believer friends are not looking to spend time with me just because they wanted me to serve them or send them back home by car, they just wanted to spend quality time with me.
The dream ended.
Having this dream actually gave me a lot of comforts, as in the past, I had to send members or guests of our church back home; one by one, until when I return to my own home, it is already 1 am in the morning, and the next day I had to wake up early to run my own errands. (I never knew driving people home, could be so emotionally draining and physically tired, especially sometimes not everyone would appreciate your service, and took my time for granted as well.)
Without much prayer, I knew God was encouraging me to open my heart up again to serve in ministry. If I think it is too burdensome, I can always say ‘No’.
Interpretation of the dream:
Car usually symbolizes – Ministry, but in my dream, it means ‘Personal Time’.
Money in dreams usually symbolizes – Blessings, but in my dream, it represented ‘My own strength’. When the owner of the sport car saw my money tore in the middle, he rejected, because my strength during that season was not “Whole” – I was still weak emotionally.
Bus in my dream means ‘Church Service’. Where everyone gathers in one place, and Holy Spirit is the driver that takes us to our destination.
So the full story of my dream was, leaders might not see our struggles when leading, they might have blindspot as well, they may lack the discernment to understand the strength of their own team. Though a lot of times, in the bible it did mention “41 If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. 42 Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.” (Matthew 5:41-42)
(But seriously, as leaders do not overused this Bible verse until it abused the team members to serve until they are burnout. A burnout member in the group will be like a car with a punctuated wheel, it will either make the car slower or bring it to a total stationary mode.)
Although I informed the leader; Jessica, I do not have my car (lack of personal time) with me, she still insisted that I think of ways to rent a car (use your personal time to go the extra mile to serve the non-believers), means the show must go on. Be it the only car available was sport cars (a pricey amount to pay to serve the Kingdom of God).
Hence, when I approached the owner of the sport cars, when he saw my money teared (which means my strength was not in full capacity, and I had very limited time to serve), he rejected me. The only transportation left was the bus (church service), and my non-believer friends are willing to come and spend quality time with me, even though they would prefer to spend alone time with me than to take the bus (come to church service) with me.
This dream gave me different layers of understanding about my current situation. 1st, I do not need to use my own strength to serve God. 2ndly, I will have favour from the world that they wanted to spend time with me, even though coming to church service with me is not their first option. 3rdly, God does not need me to squeeze extra time and money to serve His people when my capacity is limited.
I hope this story of mine brings encouragement and understanding that, we do not have to serve out of our own effort if you are tired; REST! Take care of yourself (physically, mentally, and spiritually) first then the people of God. Since the Bible has clearly said this:
But understand how far you love yourself first, then you will know the capacity you have to love your neighbors. Don’t over pour your own strength and limited resources. Be a WISE CHRISTIAN/Christ-follower :).
